The alarm buzzed.
I opened my eyes.
And already I’d flipped the coin.
Heads: today’s a win.
Tails: why did I even wake up?
That’s how it works inside an all-or-nothing brain.
It doesn’t ask how you’re doing.
It asks which side you’re failing on.
What Is All-or-Nothing Thinking?
It’s a mental coin toss with no middle.
No space between success and disaster.
No room for being okay-ish, getting there, or doing your best.
You either nailed it.
Or you should probably delete your existence and start over.
It’s a survival habit, often forged by trauma, perfectionism, ADHD, autism, anxiety, or a lifetime of being told you were too much or not enough.
So your brain gets fast.
Brutal.
Binary.
It flips the coin and declares the whole day based on a single thought, moment, or misstep.
At Home
You step into the kitchen.
One dish in the sink.
Flip.
Tails. The house is a disaster.
You’re a mess.
No one helps.
Why do you even try?
So you deep clean with a vengeance.
Or collapse into the couch with shame cereal.
You either do it all.
Or it doesn’t feel worth starting.
This coin doesn’t tally effort.
It only asks if you won.
At Work
You miss a deadline.
You forget one email.
You say one awkward thing in a meeting.
Flip.
Tails again.
You’re incompetent.
They regret hiring you.
You should probably quit before they figure you out.
Forget that spreadsheet you slayed last week.
Or the late-night emergency you handled like a ninja.
The coin doesn’t care about patterns.
It only remembers the last flip.
In Relationships
This is where the coin cuts deep.
They didn’t text back fast enough?
Flip.
They don’t care.
They forgot something small?
Flip.
You must not matter.
They say “I need space”?
You hear “I’m leaving.”
All-or-nothing thinking doesn’t give you time to breathe.
It doesn’t say, “Wait and see.”
It says, “Run before they do.”
Or “Cling before they vanish.”
It turns your love life into a rigged game.
One where the rules change the second you start to feel safe.
In Self-Care
You meant to drink water, move your body, stretch, and rest.
You forgot. You scrolled. You gave up halfway through the meditation.
Flip.
Tails.
You’re lazy.
You clearly don’t care about your future.
What’s the point in trying if you can’t do it perfectly?
You forget that last week you showed up for yourself three days in a row.
You forget that every new habit starts as a mess.
In this system, one miss cancels ten wins.
You either live like a monk
or you might as well be a sentient blanket eating chips in the dark.
In Your Health
This part is quieter, but it cuts just as deep.
Your body sends up a flare.
Tired. Foggy. In pain. Burnt out.
But you think:
I should be able to push through.
Other people manage.
This means I’m weak.
Flip. Tails again.
Instead of pacing, you crash.
Instead of listening, you shove it down.
And the chronic stress of never being enough?
It stacks up.
It steals your sleep.
It slows your healing.
It breaks your body the same way it breaks your spirit.
All-or-nothing thinking doesn’t just damage your self-esteem.
It wrecks your nervous system, too.
The Role of Executive Function
Here’s the part nobody talks about enough:
All-or-nothing thinking feeds on executive function challenges.
And executive dysfunction feeds right back.
When planning is hard, switching tasks is hard, remembering steps is hard…
your brain tries to keep things simple.
So it builds shortcuts.
Do it all right now, or don’t start.
If it’s not perfect, it’s ruined.
If you can’t focus instantly, you’re broken.
It’s not because you’re lazy.
It’s because your brain is trying to cut through noise with a sword instead of a compass.
But that sword slices you in the process.
In Parenting
All-or-nothing thinking doesn’t clock out when you’re raising kids.
It just changes voices.
You tell yourself:
“If I don’t get this right, I’ll ruin them.”
“If I lose my temper, I’ve failed.”
“If I’m not patient every moment, I’m not a good parent.”
Flip.
Tails.
You were short with them.
You let them watch too much TV.
You forgot the permission slip again.
So you spiral.
Or overcorrect.
Or shame yourself in silence while smiling through dinner.
And your child?
They feel the flip, too.
Because kids don’t need perfect parents.
But they do need consistent ones.
And all-or-nothing parenting can make love feel like a prize to be earned… instead of a foundation to stand on.
It teaches them:
“You’re either good or bad.”
“You either make me proud or make me upset.”
“You’re either easy to love… or hard to be around.”
None of this is what you mean.
But when your nervous system is always flipping coins, it’s hard not to pass them down.
And the worst part?
Sometimes your child starts flipping their own coin before they even know what it is.
How to Stop Flipping and Start Living
Most of life happens on the edge of the coin.
The messy, wobbly middle.
The part that doesn’t fit neatly into categories but counts anyway.
But your brain keeps saying that edge doesn’t matter.
That unless it’s all, it’s nothing.
So when the voice says:
“You blew it,”
you ask:
“Or did I just have a human moment?”
When it says:
“You always do this,”
you try:
“Actually, I’ve grown. This is a stumble, not a spiral.”
Healing means refusing to flip the coin.
It means holding it still.
Running your thumb along the side.
Letting the in-between be enough.
This morning, I opened my eyes.
I felt tired. Uncertain. But not doomed.
I didn’t flip the coin.
I just got up.
And some days, that is the win.
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