If someone you care about has AuDHD (that’s Autism and ADHD together), this might be one of the most important things you learn.
When we talk about “executive function challenges,” we’re not just saying they forget stuff or take longer to plan. It’s deeper than that.
Their brain sometimes can’t even see what to do next. It’s not about being lazy or avoiding responsibility—it’s about not having access to the steps most people take for granted.
Here’s what that can look like: They know they want to do something—like clean their room, start a project, or reply to a message—but they look at the situation and just… freeze. Nothing clicks. No ideas come to mind. Their brain goes totally blank.
It's like standing in front of a full fridge and not seeing a single meal you know how to make. The ingredients are there, but the recipe is missing. This is me, every time.
And here’s something critical to understand: When they don't act—or seem to ignore what feels obvious to you (e.g. common sense)—it isn’t because they’re being rude or thoughtless. In many cases, it simply does not occur to them that there's another way to approach the situation. The idea doesn’t pop into their mind at all.
In many cases, it simply does not occur to them that there's another way to approach the situation. The idea doesn’t pop into their mind at all.
Whether they can learn a more effective way depends on many things: the kind of support they have, their environment, how overwhelmed they are in that moment, and how their brain is wired overall.
Please believe me when I say: These moments aren’t personal. They are glaring examples of the disability we are living with.
This can be frustrating for everyone involved. You might think, “Why don’t they just start?” But in their mind, there’s no clear starting point. And when they feel stuck or overwhelmed, they might shut down, get emotional, or avoid the task completely—which can look like not caring, even though that’s far from the truth.
For parents: This is especially hard when you're trying to help your child build independence. But yelling, nagging, or pushing harder usually backfires. What they really need is help spotting the first step. That might sound like:
“Do you want to start by picking up your shoes or your backpack?”
“Need a little help figuring out where to begin?”
Small, concrete choices help get the wheels turning. And remember—your calm is contagious. If you can stay grounded, you give them room to think instead of panic.
For partners, teachers, and friends: If someone you love gets stuck like this, try not to take it personally. They’re not blowing you off. They’re overwhelmed and may not even realize they’re stuck.
Instead of saying “Just do it,” try:
“Want to talk through it together?”
“What’s the next small thing that makes sense to you?”
Even just sitting quietly beside them while they sort things out can be a huge support.
Here’s the bigger picture: Compassion means meeting someone where they are, not where you think they should be. When we stop assuming and start asking, we create more space for understanding and real connection.
And that’s how we start replacing confusion and conflict with trust and teamwork.
Have you ever had a moment where your brain just wouldn’t cooperate—even though you wanted to get something done? Or supported someone in that space? Let’s talk about it in the comments. We're in this together.
P.S.
If you found this article helpful and want to dive even deeper, consider becoming a paid subscriber.
Paid subscribers get access to bonus content like:
Deep-dive guides (coming soon: "10 Ways to Help When Executive Function Fails")
Personal Q&A sessions where you can ask me anything
Extra resources to strengthen your relationships
Your support helps me keep writing and building a community where people feel seen, understood, and supported.
Thank you for being here. ❤️