Let’s be honest—most of us define who we are based on our past. Our memories. Our stories. The moments that shaped us. And when you're parenting a neurodivergent teen or young adult, it can feel like their identity is still “under construction,” while yours is stuck in reruns of what went wrong.
You might find yourself asking: Why does my child react this way? Why can’t I just respond calmly? Why do we keep having the same argument?
And the answer, more often than not, is tangled up in memory—yours and theirs.
But what if we paused the rerun for a second? What if, instead of looking back to figure out who we are (or who our child is), we tried something different?
What if we looked at who we’re being right now?
The Story We Keep Replaying
Our brains love certainty. So we lean on memory. That time they melted down in the store. That look they gave you when you said no. That therapist who made you feel like a bad parent. We patch together these moments and call it truth.
But memory is a funny thing—it’s not just what happened, it’s how we felt about it at the time. And it’s what we’ve repeated to ourselves since.
It becomes, “They always get overwhelmed in public,” or “I always lose my patience.” And that becomes your identity as a parent. Their identity as a kid.
Until it doesn’t have to be.
Who Are You (and Your Child) Without the Past Running the Show?
Right now, your teen might be in their room, headphones in, avoiding homework. You might be scrolling Substack hoping for a sign you’re not screwing this up. (Spoiler: you’re not.)
Who you are—who they are—isn’t in those past stories. It’s in what you do next.
Right now, you can knock gently and say, “I know school’s hard today. I’m here if you want a break or a snack.”
Right now, you can pause and say to yourself, “I’m allowed to learn as I go.”
That’s not erasing the past. It’s refusing to let it boss you around.
The Real You Is in the Room Right Now
One of the best gifts you can give your child is showing them that people can grow. That identity is not fixed. That we are not the worst thing we’ve done, or the hardest day we’ve had.
This means:
Saying, “I’m sorry for how I handled that yesterday.”
Letting your child try again without bringing up the last time.
Speaking about them with hope, not just history.
This is how we teach emotional resilience. This is how we break the loop. Not by ignoring the past, but by choosing not to let it hold the pen anymore.
A Doable Next Step
You don’t need a ten-point plan today. Just one question to start reframing things:
“What’s one thing I can do right now that reflects who I want to be, not who I’ve been?”
Ask it before you respond to a text. Before you open their report card. Before you rehash a conversation that already went sideways.
That one question can be a reset button. For you. For your child. For your whole relationship.
What’s a story about yourself or your child that you’ve been ready to outgrow? Share in the comments—or just say “me too” if you’re working on it quietly.
You’ve got the gist. Now let’s get to the good stuff: practical tools, extra examples, and what this really looks like in everyday life—right below the paywall.
Bonus Resources FOR SUBSCRIBERS ONLY:
💎 The Identity Reframe Workbook
💎 Practical Tips/Scripts for Parents Teaching Their AuDHD Child This Concept?
💎 Conversation Starters for Growth-Minded Families
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