Why I'd Never Pass A Lie Detector Test
Most of us with AuDHD would never pass a lie detector test, in my opinion. Not because we’re criminal masterminds. More because we live with nervous systems acting like golden retrievers, thinking every doorbell is a home invasion.
A polygraph doesn’t measure lying. It measures panic. We come pre-panic’d. We could tell the truth about my own birthday, and our bodies would still be like, “ARE WE SURE? WHAT IF THIS IS A TRICK QUESTION?”
Then there’s the lifelong impulse to tell people what they want to hear. Not in a manipulative way. In a “please don’t be mad and also please continue to love me as a viable human” way.
This brain doesn’t answer questions. It negotiates peace treaties.
So when someone asks, “Did you do that thing?” The inner diplomat starts sweating and goes, “What’s the emotionally safest answer here?”
Then there’s our signature move: pretending we heard and understood what you said. Know what I mean, or do you want me to repeat it?
Someone: “So the meeting got moved to Thursday after the stakeholder sync, but only if legal approves the new workflow.”
Me, nodding like a wise monk: “Totally. Yes. That makes sense.”
In my head: I heard “Thursday,” “legal,” and “stakeholder,” and I’m now building the rest of this sentence like a choose your own adventure book.
Asking for clarification should be easy. But for us, it feels like grabbing the mic in a quiet room and announcing, “Hi, yes, I am currently failing at being a person.” So instead, we do the thing where we smile, nod, and hope context arrives later, like an Amazon package.
The lie detector would have a field day.
Polygraph guy: “Did you understand what she just said?”
Me: “Yes.”
My body: BEEP BEEP BEEP
My soul: What did she say?
My mouth: “Absolutely.”
My brain: We will circle back. We will not circle back.
And the worst part is: I’m not even lying to get away with stuff. I’m lying to avoid awkwardness. I’m lying to avoid the tiny social speed bump of, “Sorry, can you say that again?” Like that sentence is illegal in three states.
So on a polygraph, I’d fail everything.
“Did you steal the money?”
Me: “No.”
My pulse: 170
The machine: LIKELY DECEPTIVE
Me, internally: What if they think I stole the money? What if someone else stole the money and I somehow benefited emotionally? What if I once thought about stealing money in 2009?
I’d be convicted on misunderstanding alone.
Really, we don’t have a lying problem. We have an anxiety problem dressed up as customer service. We think clarity is confrontation; that’s based on overwhelming experience with other people. The ones who get offended when we ask for clarification.
So no, we’d never pass a lie detector test.
But I’d pass a “most likely to nod supportively while having no idea what’s happening” test with honors.
Thanks for being you,
Brian
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