Why Some Young Adults Are Cutting Off “Toxic” Parents; and What to Do About It

Neurodivergence Edition

Let’s talk about something that cuts deeper than we like to admit.

You’re a parent. You raised your kid. You gave them food, shelter, love. Maybe more love than you ever got. You weren’t perfect, but who is? You did your best.

And now they’re pulling away. Not just “busy with adulting.” I mean really pulling away. Blocking your number. Refusing to come home. Maybe they’ve even said, “You’re toxic. I need space.”

You’re confused, hurt, maybe furious. “How did it come to this?”

Let’s unpack it.

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It’s Not Just a Personal Crisis; It’s a Cultural Shift

There’s a rising trend: more young adults, especially Millennials and Gen Z, are going low or no-contact with parents. And while it can feel like rejection, what’s really happening is a reevaluation of what healthy family looks like (Peterson & Green, 2021).

This generation is emotionally literate in ways previous ones weren’t. They’re fluent in therapy speak: boundaries, trauma, gaslighting, enmeshment. They’re asking questions their parents never felt safe asking. Like:

“Is love still love if it consistently hurts me?”

“What’s the cost of staying in a relationship where I don’t feel safe?”

For many, that cost has become too high.

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For Neurodivergent Adults, It Runs Even Deeper

If your child is autistic or has ADHD, there may be another layer to their decision. One you never saw coming.

Many neurodivergent folks grow up in environments that unintentionally pathologize their very existence. They’re told:

• “Stop overreacting.”

• “Why are you so sensitive?”

• “Can’t you just try harder to be normal?”

These messages, even when well-intended, teach one thing: Who you are is not okay.

Years later, that child. Now an adult. Starts putting the pieces together. Maybe they finally get diagnosed. Maybe they learn about masking, sensory trauma, or rejection sensitivity. And they realize: much of their emotional pain traces back to feeling unseen in their own home (Raymaker et al., 2020).

So they pull away. Not because they want to erase you. But because they’re trying to recover themselves.

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What You Called “Normal” May Have Felt Like Trauma to Them

Let’s sit with that one for a second.

You might say,

“My parents were tougher on me. I turned out fine.”

They might say,

“Your silence when I cried taught me to hate my feelings.”

You might feel like they’re rewriting history.

They’re actually rewriting their narrative.

And for neurodivergent adults, it’s not just rewriting. It’s reclaiming. Reclaiming identity. Autonomy. Self-worth. Especially when their childhood was spent camouflaging their needs just to survive (Botha & Frost, 2020).

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But What If You’re Neurodivergent Too?

Here’s a plot twist most articles skip: A lot of parents who feel rejected are also neurodivergent. They were just never diagnosed.

Maybe you struggle with emotional expression.

Maybe you shut down during conflict or overreact without meaning to.

Maybe you parented out of survival mode because you never had emotional support yourself. This would be my mom and dad.

That doesn’t make you evil. It makes you human.

But it also means this wasn’t just a bad relationship. It was an emotional mismatch. And unless that gets acknowledged, healing stays out of reach.

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What NOT to Do (Even If You’re in Pain)

• Don’t demand respect before offering repair.

• Don’t guilt-trip your child into contact.

• Don’t weaponize your sacrifices.

Yes, you’re hurting. But the most dangerous trap is making your pain the center of the story. Because in most cases, your child isn’t trying to hurt you; they’re trying to heal themselves.

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What TO Do If You Want to Rebuild the Bridge

1. Get Curious, Not Defensive

Instead of “I didn’t do that,” ask: “What did that feel like for you?”

2. Get Support

Work with a therapist. Ideally one who understands neurodivergence and generational trauma. You don’t have to navigate this alone.

3. Get Humble

You don’t need to agree with their version of the past. You just need to acknowledge their experience of it. That’s what earns trust.

4. Get Honest About Repair

This isn’t about flipping a switch. It’s about building a bridge. With your actions, your listening, and your willingness to sit in discomfort.

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Final Truth: They Didn’t Walk Away for Fun

Nobody walks away from a loving, respectful relationship because they’re “too sensitive.” They walk away because they felt chronically misunderstood, invalidated, or unsafe.

They wanted connection. But not at the cost of their nervous system.

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The Hope You Need to Hear

Estrangement doesn’t always mean forever. But if you want a future with your child, it has to start with a willingness to see things through their eyes. Especially if they’re neurodivergent, and the way they process, feel, or relate has always been different from yours.

This isn’t about blame. It’s about brave, uncomfortable, life-giving change.

You can’t change the past.

But you can absolutely shape what comes next.

And if you’re willing to do that?

You may just be surprised by what begins to grow again.

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References (APA Style)

Botha, M., & Frost, D. M. (2020). Autism is me: An investigation of how autistic individuals make sense of autism and stigma. Disability & Society, 35(9), 1514–1537. https://doi.org/10.1080/09687599.2019.1684921

Peterson, K., & Green, M. (2021). Generational shifts in family estrangement: Adult children navigating boundaries and healing from toxic parenting. Journal of Family Issues, 42(10), 2481–2501. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X20984061

Raymaker, D. M., Teo, A. R., Steckler, N. A., Lentz, B., Scharer, M., & Nicolaidis, C. (2020). “Having all of your internal resources exhausted beyond measure and being left with no clean-up crew”: Defining autistic burnout. Autism in Adulthood, 2(2), 132–143. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2019.0079

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Below are cut-and-paste scripts designed for parents to use when reaching out to have a conversation with an adult child who may have gone low or no contact. It uses the honest, humble, emotionally safe language (mentioned above), that invites connection instead of triggering defensiveness.