You’re Allowed to Question Every Social Rule You’ve Ever Been Handed
When you live with AuDHD, "the way things are done" was never going to work anyway. What do we do now...
You know those social rules everyone expects us to follow? They’re not carved in stone. They’re made up — like multitasking or common sense. They’re negotiable.
Like which way the toilet paper roll is supposed to go — over, under, or whichever way is my way. 😉 Or like the "right" way to load a dishwasher — because apparently, misplacing a fork can make Mr. Clean crabby.
You’re allowed to opt out of the handshake circus — the steel wool scrub, the slippery fish slide, the hypervigilant cootie-clutch with a hesitant grip like they’re afraid to touch you.
Each one enough to stress my nervous system unnecessarily.
I'm fascinated by other cultures, and one of the biggest takeaways for me is how every culture, every group of people, every tiny neighborhood potluck has its own "normal." And if you zoom out far enough, you realize: nobody has a monopoly on the "right way" to connect.
When you live with AuDHD, the problem isn’t that you're "bad" at socializing. The problem is often that you’re stuck trying to move through a social world that treats its shoulds as sacred instead of what they really are: suggestions, habits, traditions — all of which can, and should, be questioned.
The Trouble with Inflexible Social Customs
Neurotypical social culture often runs on a kind of autopilot. People aren't necessarily being cruel — most of the time, they’re just doing what they’ve always seen done. It's like passing a baton without ever asking, "Hey, is this race even going somewhere we want to go?"
But for someone with AuDHD, this mindless handoff can feel suffocating. Our brains tend to notice things others overlook. We see contradictions. We spot hypocrisies. We question the "why" behind behaviors.
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We value authenticity over rote performance. So when we're expected to follow unspoken, unquestioned customs — customs that don’t make sense or even make things worse — it can feel not just confusing, but wrong.
Take small talk. In some cultures, polite conversation about the weather is a social must. In others, going straight into a deep philosophical debate is a sign of respect. One isn't better than the other. They're just different styles of saying, "I'm here, and I see you." It comes down to what helps you — and them — connect.
When people mistake rigid rule-following for "good manners" or "being normal," they leave zero breathing room for anyone whose brain doesn’t naturally work that way. And for AuDHD folks, whose communication is often more direct, more curious, and less tethered to tradition, it’s easy to be misunderstood — or worse, excluded.
Social Autopilot vs. Intentional Connection
One of the gifts of studying different cultures — and frankly, living life with a brain wired for eccentricity — is realizing that there are a thousand ways to relate to other human beings. None of them require blind obedience to invisible rules.
They require intention. They require awareness. They require negotiation.
Real connection happens when we step off social autopilot long enough to ask, "Hey, what kind of conversation actually feels good to you? What kind of interaction honors who we both are?"
That's what those of us with AuDHD are often trying to do — even if it looks messy or awkward on the outside. We're not trying to be difficult. We’re trying to build relationships that actually make sense. Ones that feel alive instead of performative.
The Bottom Line
You have a built-in sensitivity to the possibility of better ways to connect. You notice when the emperor has no clothes. You know that customs are choices, not laws. You see that real connection asks for curiosity and collaboration, not conformity.
The hard truth is that you might always run into people who are stuck on autopilot, defending customs they’ve never even questioned.
But the better truth? You get to opt out. You get to find your people. You get to build relationships where customs are created together, not imposed from some dusty "should" handed down by people who forgot they could choose.
And every time you do, you’re not just helping yourself — you’re nudging the whole world a little closer to real, intentional connection.
And honestly? That’s a pretty amazing thing to be part of.